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the colors and all

by No Better

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1.
2.
a blistering summer our hearts exploded on each other we were basking in the light i was blinded by your size i was dumb, in love, and blind i’d spend my days depleted, dry and try to drink all of you at night it was euphoric, sudden, and I would have given you my life now I’m making excuses like I am dying to tell you something and it feels so false to think i could ever love again at least that completely and it hurts to think you saw me so naked and completely you saw everything and still had to leave is it too much to think that I can take love with grace and watch it leave just the same? your force fades memories soften and dissipate and I wonder someday if I’ll smile when I hear your name.
3.
still awake, half wanna die this ninth cigarette won’t save my life sydney moved, the band never plays i lost your love this year i lost some friends along the way and I strain my wrist trying like hell to turn the clock back and I feel like shit desperate, drunk, dejected stumbling through the dark i know that bird calling out in the night this isn’t the first time he thought moonlight was sunrise little bird calling into the night high cries, high cries, high cries calling out your name we spent the summer swimming under starless skies we spent the summer talking in whispers you’d come at midnight rapping on my window and I felt born again, it felt sacred and I could call you a liar, but I’d still let you in i could call you a thief, but that’s not what I believe my family’s asking where you’ve been i still love you and that’s what really hurts but oh, I’m far too proud to walk around a sad, wounded dove mourning your love the loss of you so I’ll play it cool, I’ll keep my mouth shut save it for the night time i’ll be alright.
4.
Oh Youth 03:51
your voice feels like a sound to follow your voice feels like a Friday night in high school your name—I write it down on loose leaf paper your name—say it aloud and the sound it still holds weight i know that I’m a little hard to love sometimes you know that I’ve walked through glass and circled back to your side sovereignty rest my eyes while you sleep soundly next to me sovereignty let’s build a home across the country & you can choose all the decorations our living room all filled with plants and light & I’ll keep up with all the dishes well I—I’ll try, I’ll try.
5.
Stranger Now 02:22
i lie in bed through all December and wonder if the story we were writing together is through i lie in bed through all December with my headphones on playing songs that remind me of you i heard a song today it made me cry it made me wanna reach out and say something like, “i really only wish for your happiness” but you know that & if you didn't, then I guess you do now i mean, if you hear this song, if you listen when the record is out you’re a stranger now we hardly wave, don’t say a thing when we see each other around you’re a stranger now & that’s normal it’s how life goes i’ll see you around.
6.
how’ve you been? i’m starting songs like they’re conversations how’ve you been? no, I know, that’s none of my business but sometimes I think you’d like me to know sometimes I think you’d like to know how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, and why but maybe you don’t wonder & I’m sorry i pass you the blame for the state of my life & I’m sorry that when I see I can’t my eyes and maybe you don’t wonder i’m still in the backyard at midnight doing nothing i’m still drinking alone under the moon i need a cause to justify this phase so I’ve gone ahead and named it “You.”
7.
Small Joys 02:28
8.
New Color 05:21
9.
Sway 04:00
it’s hard now to think of the places and nights nineteen and alive, alive, alive the eager, dark, dramatic eye that blazes bright for a time now every day a slow, too-bright Sunday while years race like they have some place to be so long swimming through the dark in all this light, I don’t like what I see time moves too fast what I remember I remember through photographs time moves too fast & when it’s done it’s simply done when it’s gone it’s gone it’s hard now to see the rooms where I used to sleep first light through my window in the morning it’s hard now to hear the voices I used to know i don’t, i don’t, i don’t, i don’t we clutch onto these fragments we invent the past to know that we’ve lived to feel like we’ve seen some things like we’ve done something we make stories of memory we hoard the tales of our youth what else would we do?
10.
i wake up and go to work spend hours typing things I don’t care about i come home and go for a run cook something for myself cause I know how to be alone i know how to be alone i know how i see my friends on the weekend wyatt seems to be fine i see my friends on the weekend call my sister sometimes i know how to be how alone i know how.
11.
i still see you lazing in the summer sun watching scattered light on tangled branches now I’m trying hard not to need anyone i’m trying those warm and distant summer days… now the days are short and the face I’d memorized is vague i once knew you like the place where we grew up you’ve become an idea a player in what once was there’s no keeping no comfort in your memory you’re gone there’s no keeping no solace in what happens when it’s done there’s no keeping no comfort in your fading, you’re fading, gone i try my best to remember what it felt like that night crying, shaking in your arms your face in the lamplight you put my hands on your stomach we fell asleep like that.

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released August 26, 2022

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No Better California

Est. 2015

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